Joke Title: Stress Diet

This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

  • Breakfast
    1/2 grapefruit
    1 slice whole wheat toast - dry
    8 oz skim milk

  • Lunch
    4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
    1 cup steamed spinach
    1 cup herb tea
    1 Oreo cookie

  • Midafternoon Snack
    Rest of the Oreos in the package
    2 pints of Rocky Road ice cream
    1 jar hot fudge sauce
    nuts, cherries, whipped cream

  • Dinner
    2 loaves garlic bread with cheese
    large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
    4 cans or 1 large pitcher of beer
    3 Milky Way or Snickers candy bars

  • Late Evening News
    entire frozen cheesecake eaten directly from freezer

Rules For This Diet

  • If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  • When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
  • When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.
  • Foods used for medicinal purposes *never* count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee cheesecake.
  • If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
  • Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
    Example: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.
  • Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
  • If you are in the process of preparing something, foods licked off knives and spoons have no calories.
    Examples: peanut butter on a knife and ice cream on a spoon.
  • Foods of the same color have the same number of calories.
    Examples: green salad and Key Lime pie, mushrooms and white chocolate. Note: chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.