Joke Title: How to Lose Weight Fast

Breakfast
1/2 grapefuit
1 slice whole wheat toast, dry
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 c. steamed spinach
1 c. herbal tea
1 Oreo cookie

Midafternoon Snack
Rest of the Oreos in the package
2 pts. Rocky Road Ice Cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce
Nuts, cherries, whipped cream

Dinner
2 loaves garlic bread
Large deluxe pizza
4 cans or 1 large pitcher of beer
3 Milky Way candy bars

Late Evening Snack
Entire frozen cheesecake eaten directly from freezer

Rules for this diet:

  1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
  2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
  3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
  4. Foods, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake used for medicinal purposes NEVER count.
  5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
  6. Movie-related foods, such as Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls--do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and not part of one's person rule. (not sure about this one....)
  7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
  8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knive making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
  9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.
    NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.