Joke Title: Cooking Terms -- Redefined 2

VOL. 1 — Excerpted and annotated by Wayne M. Hilburn

Ignoring this culinary impoverishment, I've begun the process of compiling a new encyclopedia of cookery. The following entries are some of the more esoteric cooking terms that I've found.

Where meanings are not exactly clear, I've added a splash of clarity. In other cases I've tossed in a sprig of wild guess. Some entries I've garnished with more than one possible explaination—cook's choice.


AGED EGGNOG: Eggnog bought before Thanksgiving and forgotten till New Years's day. Sometimes called Eggnog Sour.
ALLGAVER
BERGAKASE:
A German round, hard cheese thought to be the inspiration for the invention of the wheel.
ALLGAVER
RAHMKASE:
A German round, soft cheese thought to be the inspiration for the invention of the flat tire.
BARBECUE: From the French term “barbe-a-queue”, meaning “from snout to tail”. The word was in use in Virginia before 1700.
BEARNAISE: A corruption of the phrase “bare knees”, a garment resembling short trousers. Usually worn by visitors to Washington, D.C. In France, refers to a sauce.
BEER COMB: A tool used for dressing up the head of a beer.
BEESWING: A sediment found in old port wines and in soups served outdoors.
BETTY: Layered fruit and bread crumbs dessert. The popular name for waitresses.
BLANCH: To whiten by scaring or sudden boiling. The popular name for Southern cooks.
BLEU: A misspelling of the word BLUE.
CHINESE
ARTICHOKE:
In Japan, known as the Japanese artichoke. In France, known as the French artichoke. Not related to the Jerusalem artichoke.
COLLINS: The family name for a large group of professional bartenders. Also, “Rickey, Daisey, John and Tom”.
DRIVEL: The inedible secretions of snails. In Virginia, snails are collected from bush or vine, kept in a cool cellar and fed on tender green lettuce for a week or until they are plump. They are then thrown into a pail of salt and vinegar, and stirred vigorously with a stick. Through this procedure, the drivel is cast off, and the snails are washed under running water until the liquid is perfectly clear.
EGADS: A mild oath used in the kitchen.
FARCE: A French expression for stuffing, as in “honey, don't farce your face at the table.”
FIASCO: A round bottomed Italian bottle. The first attempts at exporting wine in these bottles were not successful. Later use of straw wrapping solved the breakage problem, but the term persists.
FLAN PAN: Makes straight-sided flans.
FOLD [EGGS]: Eggs cannot be folded unless they are first fried or dried flat.
FRENCH TOAST: A pan-fried bread better known in Germany as German Toast.
GELATIN: A disgusting extraction made from boiled calves feet, hartshorn shavings and sturgeon's bladders. After the French revolution, it was declared a nourishing food. People ate it because they had to. It now comes in fruit flavors.
GERMAN TOAST: A pan-fried bread better known in France as French Toast.
GIBLETS: Leftover chicken parts hidden in a thick gravy. Not otherwise eaten by finicky people.
GINGER: A flavoring spice made from the root of a perennial, reedlike plant. The popular name for cooks in Southern California.
HARD COOKED
EGGS:
To get the green color ring between the white and yolk, you must subject eggs to long and violent cooking.
HOE CAKE: An old-fashioned corn bread or cake, originally baked on the heated blade of a hoe. Do not try this in your microwave oven.
ICE CREAM FORK: Early utensil used when the concept of ice cream was not well understood.
KOLACHKY: A Czechoslovakian word for bartender.
LAMB'S WOOL: An old English drink made with apples, spices, and heated ale. Traditionally served at Oxford University on Shrove Tuesday.
MAMMEE APPLE: A barely edible fruit. A liqueur is distilled from its flowers, called “Eau de Creole”. A gum exuding from the bark is used by the natives of the West Indies for destroying chiggers.
MUM: A very strong ale brewed from malted wheat, oatmeal, beans and herbs. The British term for Mother.
PAPAW: The edible fruit from a subtropical tree. The British term for father.
PEMMICAN: This is said to be a Cree Indian word which, roughly translated, means “the least food with the most nourishment”. Also called trail mix.
PERRY: A fermented drink made from the juice of pears, as cider is made from apples. The popular name for bartenders in San Francisco.
PFEFFERNEUSSE: A German Christmas cookie.
PIPERINE: The active ingredient in black pepper. An alkaloid of pepper, which stimulates perspiration, thus having a cooling effect on the body if a sufficient amount is eaten. For this reason, pepper is widely used in the south.
POACHED EGGS: These are illegal in most states and many countries. Do not buy or eat poached eggs, this just encourages the practice of poaching.
POP: A colloquial name for any non-alcoholic effervescent beverage, given because of the characteristic sound produced by a cork as it is withdrawn or expelled from a bottle. Though corks have been largely supplanted by crimped bottle caps, the term has persisted.
RECHAUFFE: A nice French word for reheated left-overs.
REINDEER MILK: Contains 18 percent solids. In this area, reindeer milk is hard to come by. Generally speaking, reindeer do not like to be milked.
RENNET: The gastric juice of calves extracted from the fourth stomach. Don't try this yourself, let experts do it. Where it is used for making cheese, the result is referred to as rennet cheese.
ROBERT: One of the oldest of French brown sauces. Also, a common name for fast-food cooks.
ROLY-POLY: A jam pudding. Served sliced, with cream or sweet sauce. Contains approximately 5,000 calories per serving.
SAINT HONORE: A delicious French pastry, too complicated to be made at home.
SAKE: The national liquor of Japan, produced from rice. Used by the natives of Japan, China and India, especially at their festivities. One of the most impressive of these is the Feast of the Bear at which time the blood of a young cub, imprisoned in a gilded cage and fattened for the occasion, is drunk in a solemn ritual from a special totemic spoon made by the native Amos of the island of Yeso.
SALAMOAGONDI: Meatloaf made from leftovers. Discovered and made famous by an 18th century French chef named Gonis.
SCALD: To heat a liquid to just below the boiling point. Also, to finger-test water temperature.
SHIVOWITZA: The Hungarian word for male bartender.
SINGE: To burn lightly or scorch the skin so that the hair is removed.
SIRLOIN: The loin of beef knighted by James I of England, who was especially fond of that cut of meat.
SLIVOVITZ: The Hungarian word for female bartender.
SLOE GIN: A liqueur made with sloe berries. In France the drink is called "Eau De Vie de Prunelle des Vosges,” but not very often.
SQUIRREL: A tender tree climbing rodent.
STIR: Blending several ingredients by moving their positions around by means of a spoon. Can be brisk movement but less aggressive than whipping or beating.
STUFFED EGG: Use a hard cooked egg, cut in half crosswise, and remove yolk. Mix yolk with other stuff and put back into egg white.
SUNDAE: An ice cream dish invented to circumvent a Massachusetts law prohibiting the sale of carbonated soft drinks on Sunday.
TEA: A Chinese legend has it that the first cup of tea was produced by accident about 2,700 B.C. However, there was no generally accepted name for tea until about the 7th century A.D.
TENDERLOIN: The tender part of the loin, what did you expect?
TETE DE MAURE
CHEESE:
Hardly ever asked for any more, it's too hard to pronounce. Another name for Edam cheese.
TISANE: When ladies were ladies and never women, and a leg was discreetly called a limb, and it was fashionable for members of the feminine gender to be pale and delicate, and to faint prettily when afflicted with “vapors,” the mildly stimulating tea called tisane was used to revive them. The tea lost favor when unescorted ladies were permitted in bars.
TOM AND JERRY: A popular name for bar owners.
TOSSING: Refers to mixing of ingredients by lifting repeatedly and allowing them to fall lightly. The laws of “random arrangement of free-falling objects” thereby produce the mixture.
TRIPE: The clean white tissue of a steer's stomach. Active ingredient in hot dogs.
TROTTERS: The feet of calves, pigs, sheep, etc., used for food.
TRUFFLE: Superstitious Romans thought that truffles were sown by thunderbolts in autumn storms. Why not? It makes perfect sense. Have you ever known a Roman who was not superstitious?
USQUEBAUGH: A Celtic word from which came the modern term whisky. (Literally: water of life)
VASTERBOTTENSOST: A Swedish cheese with a pungent, rather bitter taste, and is not ready to eat until twelve to eighteen months old, if ever. It is still made in northern Sweden for some reason.
WORCESTERSHIRE
SAUCE:
Used freely by the ancient Phoenicians, and after that by the early Romans, primarily as a jump-start in the mornings. Later the English made the product in Worcester, England, whence it gets its present name.
XANTHIA: A heavy-duty cocktail made of brandy, gin and wine.
YAVA: Short form of Yava-Dava-Doo. An intoxicating drink made by the Polynesian natives.
ZOMBIE: A potent novelty drink, named for the walking dead of West African and West Indian voodoo lore.
ZYTHUM: An ancient beverage made from malt and wheat. Now known as beer. A popular name for bartender in Turkey.