Joke Title: What Your Pizza Says About You
WONDER what the Domino's people do when they're not rushing pizzas all over creation? They take surveys, or they say they do. The company's mighty public relations machine offers these observations:

Men wearing muscle shirts when answering the door order pepperoni three times more often than any other topping.

People who have pierced noses, lips or eyebrows ask for a vegetarian topping 23 percent more often than a meat topping. Those who have wind chimes on the porch are four times more likely than the average to want olives.

A recurring element is the correlation between pizza-eating and TV-watching. Whatever day and time ''Roseanne" airs is always the biggest half-hour of the week for meat-topped pizza orders. Since you asked, the No. 1 pizza-ordering show (figured by comparing orders during its time slot with weeks when the show doesn't air) is "Melrose Place," which is also by far the leading show for vegetable-topped pizzas. Pizza orders in the "Melrose Place" time slot have gone up 14 percent since Heather Locklear joined the cast.

There's more: As you look back on 1994, trying to make sense of Newt's rise and O.J.'s fall, you may want to consider these other statistics from Domino's Since the Republicans won the election, meat-topped pizza orders have risen 32 percent in the Washington metropolitan area. Since Election Day, tipping of Domino's deliverers by Washington women has fallen off by 10 percent (except during "Melrose Place," when it climbs by 30 percent).

Since the election, tipping by House Republicans has been down 12 percent; tipping by House Democrats has been up 3 percent. Whenever Newt Gingrich appears on national television, pizza orders to Democratic offices go up 4 percent and go down 2 percent on the GOP side.

And last, but not least The single greatest hour for pizza delivery in national pizza history was the hour when O. J. Simpson was in the white Ford Bronco on the L. A Freeway.