Joke Title: Spoilage Table

How to Tell When Foodstuffs Should Be Discarded

  • The Gag Test
    Anything that makes you gag is spoiled except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night.
  • Eggs
    When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
  • Dairy Products
    Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.
  • Mayonnaise
    If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, mayonnaise is spoiled.
  • Frozen Foods
    Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled-- or wrecked, anyway-- by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
  • Meat
    If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
  • Lettuce
    Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet.
  • Canned Goods
    Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a basketball should be disposed of. Carefully.
  • Carrots
    A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
  • Wine
    It should not taste like salad dressing.
  • Potatoes
    Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
  • Chip Dip
    If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
  • General Rule Of Thumb:
    Most food cannot be kept longer than the average lifespan of a hamster.
    Keep a hamster in your refrig.